As I stepped out the doorway this evening the walk was to find peace, to allow nature to calm me, to help show me the route, help me clear the day from me.

In a day where my convictions, my stance, my core values, and my journey into crone had been tested to, what felt like, beyond my limits. As I wandered along the gravel track i noticed the overgrown field where nettles had been feet high, and the brambles made it impassible, was now mowed, the farmer had been in with his tractor, the pheasants now fully exposed to all predators around. There was no hiding now. The environment wasn’t going to shelter them anymore. One of my cats, was enjoying this open field, small rodents had less places to scurry away to, Exposed with nowhere to hide the animals were busy finding a new way to protect themselves. Maybe I should.

I walked along my head heavy with the weight of the day, the cold air I felt inside my chest with every breath. As I walked along, a neighbour walked past, his head turned away, no polite acknowledgment, this was intentional on his behalf, link lifted his head from sniffling and turned away from him, not even wasting a head turn. The hostility he gave over was not accepted from link, so with that we walked on.

We headed to, what appeared to be, the only field the farmers weren’t mowing. And we stepped into the field. I stood there in the moment and cried, I cursed my Dad for dying when I still had so much to learn, in the field the tears flowed, with nothing around only my bare hands were going to dry my eyes. The tears in my eyes made it hard to see, the weight heavy the world blurry, silence was around me.

It felt like the field acknowledged my hurt, acknowledged my call to my father, my ancestors, and although the pain was deep, it felt like the field, the air, the earth under my feet also felt for me and with me. No one ever said this journey, this path would be easy. Later that evening, my call, my plea for help, support, guidance, my ancestors was answered, in a way that was fitting to crone, but not one I expected.

A phone call with my Mum, my “elder Crone” showed me that even crones need support, need guidance, and what better than my mother, my elder Crone.

Through hurt and frustration, I had gained the ancestors to help me step into Crone, a valuable lesson. I’m not on my own. And the pain, in keeping with my truth despite how people behave around me, was lifted.